Obviously we have all encountered these people at one time or another. Some of these people make it a habit to show up for every film. The 8 types of people you find in a theater are guaranteed to annoy the living shit out of you..and there’s not much you can do about it.
Seriously, I know I am not the only person that gets annoyed by this. There you are sitting comfortably next to your friends when all of the sudden some lonely “I came to the movies by myself and just want to sit by someone” douchebag who you never met, sits right next to you and kinda stays leaning in your direction. This person also hogs the armrest most of the time and can be seen conversing with the loud popcorn eater at various times. Seriously, pick a seat not so close to me and we can all get along. Unless you are a sexy chick with larger than average boobs. That I am ok with.
Crunch, crunch, smack, crunch…! AAAHHH how annoying this is. This is particularly bad during the really quite parts of the film when something really important to the story is happening. All the while the only thing you can hear is that stupid crunch sound that infects every part of your ear canal. It doesn’t end there, wait until they reach into the bag after shaking it vigorously, then dig around a bit for the perfect handful. If you are next to me I will make sure and spill my coke on your brand new shoes.
There you are enjoying Iron Man with your girlfriend when all of the sudden you here, “Aw shit, that’s a fly ass suit!” You know what I’m talking about. This person is usually not alone and is accompanied by at least 5-20 gangstas who you seriously want to STFU but are too afraid of getting capped to speak up. Not to be racist or anything (I have black friends) but you are not really contributing to growth of your race in any manner. More comments can include things like, “Look at that pimp ass ride! I want one of dem.” and “Dat bitch about to get slapped” and “Damn, that shit is whack”. In all fairness I talk loud and make obscene remarks at certain times, but I am usually somewhere in the dark with your mom.
Oh the ever catchy a witty movie lines that end up on t-shirts, posters and the puns for numerous popular images across the web. Don’t get me wrong as most are freaking genius but I really don’t need it repeated over and over again till it’s old right after it begins. Do the world a favor and save it for the water cooler chat the next day. Better yet, slap that shit on a tee and make some money with that before the rich people get a hold of it!
Not much to say about this other than..beep,beep,beep, blah blah blah,, and more irrelevent chatter and sounds that makes me want to shove something in your mouth to keep you occupied for the next 90 minutes. Did you not see the sweet ass commercial with the indians at the start of the film, your cell phone just killed their entire family because you scared off all the food. Way to go genius! Here’s an idea… if you turn off you cell at least you can stay out past your bed time and have a legitimate excuse for not answering the calls from your parents. Can you say, ” oh I’m sorry daddy, I forgot to turn my phone on after the movie. It would be rude to have it go off in the middle and disturb all those nice people”. Problem solved.
I bet you have one of these in your circle. I know I do and it really pisses me off! This person obviously gets a a kick out of it for some off reason or another. Did you not get enough attention as a child? I’m all for a few subtle hints but don’t give away the whole fucking plot in the first ten minutes. Next time I will leave you to drink at home by yourself and take your girlfriend instead. Or not..whatever.
Your child must have just gotten out of karate and you stupidly decided to see a movie at the last minute. Why do parents insist on bringing these A.D.D. laden children to the theater late at night? Hey honey I got an idea. Lets take our kids to a crowded theatre at 9pm, fill them with all kinds of delicious sugar filled goodies, and hope they stay in one spot long enough to give me a break from the reality that my life no longer belongs to me. Too bad you can’t just turn around and give the little shit the kicking it deserves. Or maybe you should kick the irresponsible parent.
and the winner is…..
Have you ever heard the sound a train makes at 2am when you are trying to sleep? Well it’s kind of like that but worse. At least the train rolls by and keeps on moving. Why do parents think it is a good idea to bring an infant to a movie? I do not really understand why this happens all the time but I do know what a friggin baby sitter is. The most annoying part is when the parent will not take the whiner out to the hallway or simply leave the theater and return in about 5 years. Hell, it’s probably hungry, so go ahead and whip out that boobie and give it some food already! I am sure the 16 year old high school kid will not mind.
