Wall Street is a rough place but with these 10 steps, you can become the next big thing in the banking world!

Step 1:

Get credentials, they dont have to be real, just look real. Harvard, Yale, Princeton, pick any one, or pick them all!

Step 2:

You need to come up with a spiffy name for your company. Something that spews forth trust, exclusiveness, and makes what you do look complicated.

Some examples: Golden Slacks,  DoushBank Investments, J.P Whoreman,Bad Fargo Securities, First Child Loans.

Step 3:

Open up an account in a far off land. This makes you look international and worldsie. Cayman Islands used to be the hot spot, try something new like Iran or Venezuela.  Don’t forget to open branches in the US as well, hire all kinds of unqualified people to be your lending officers, it adds credibility.

Step 4:

Go on CNBC and yell at people about how stupid they, houses will always go up, so go out and buy tons of sh*t. Say things that make you sounds smart like “the market will move around today, and it will eventually close up or down, the market will decide.”

Step 5:

Lend money freely. 

Jose who mows your lawn for $10 a week, he needs that $1,000,000 mansion! That hobo on the street, lend him thousands based on future income from begging. 

Step 6:

Step 7:

Collect huge bonuses and splurge. Snort some coke off a hookers ass, party like its pre-recession.

Step 8:

When everything collapses, blame it on the home owners. After all, how were YOU supposed to know that a household income of $40,000/year wasn’t enough for 2 hummers, a house in Malibu and that second wife?

Step 9:

Go to Washington in style, you don’t want the other CEOs to know your business is doing bad. Rent a 747 to fly in style. Remind congress of all the money you donated to their campaigns.

Step 10:

The taxpayer will happily save your bank.  Start over from Step 1.